Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Real Love?

Why is it so hard to find love? There are good people out there who are lonely and can't seem to find anyone. They can't seem to find that person that makes them laugh, that person they can't wait to tell about their day, or that person to simply cuddle up with at night knowing they are there for you, no matter what. For some it comes easy. High school sweethearts. People who find love with the person they rear end at an intersection. Those who find love "at first sight".

But for some of us, it isn't so easy. It never has been. For some, there is not the opportunity to date a lot of people so you learn what you do and do not what in a relationship. For some, there is no one who loved you in high school and has loved you ever since. For some, it is night after night of being alone. No one to share your life with. No kiss goodnight. No "I love you".

For me, there is always the dreaded question..."How are you still single?" I don't know why. Some say I am too picky. I think you need to be picky. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I don't have to have someone around. I simply want someone around. Someone to laugh with. Someone to talk to. Someone to cuddle up with at night, knowing we are there for each other, no matter what.

I loved once. It wasn't the man I married. I got married because honestly, at the time, I hadn't dated much at all. This man wanted to marry me. In the days leading up to the wedding, I just kept thinking "I can get a divorce. I can get a divorce. The invitations have been mailed. I can get a divorce. Lots of people get a divorce. The wedding dress is hanging in my closet. I can't take it back. I can get a divorce. I will hurt his feelings if I cancel now. I'll just get a divorce later." It's pathetic. I know that.

I stayed for over ten years. It was an emotionally abusive marriage. Day by day I felt as if a part of me was dying. I tried to stay for the kids and because I was scared of what he would do if I left. Finally, I couldn't do it anymore. I was simply done. Part of me was terrified. I was going to be alone again, but everyone told me, "Oh, you'll be remarried within two years. Just wait and see." I had hope. Hope that maybe real love would finally come my way.

After I moved out, while waiting on the divorce to be finalized, I met someone. We had a lot in common and dated for a while. I was happy, for a while. Maybe I was looking too hard for love and scared him away. He slowly disappeared from my life. It turns out he had found someone new. He didn't want me. He had, however, introduced me to someone. Someone that did want me. At least for a while.

This man and I connected. Immediately. Deeply. For the first time, I felt love. Real love. I believed that I had finally found my soul mate. No question. It had happened. My head was swimming. I was giddy. THIS was LOVE! I now knew what all the songs were about. I got it! I knew I had found the man I would grow old with. I was wrong.

There were problems. Lots of them. All relationships have problems. For years, I tried to fix them. I wanted things to be good. Solid. But they never really were. I held on. I held on to something that probably wasn't really there at all. It was for me, but it takes two. In the end, he also found someone new. He didn't want me either. So was it real love? If so, where did it go? Does it just fade away? Does it die? Do we kill it? Was it ever really there?

Now, years later, I am still single. I've been on a handful of dates. Most I wanted to leave within the first few minutes. I am very picky. My time is precious to me and there are few people I am willing to share it with. I'm almost 50 years old. I really don't want to die alone. Not that I plan on dying for at least another 54 years. My goal is to live to 104 years old. I don't know why. That's just my plan. But that's a long time to be alone. But maybe, just maybe, real love doesn't come for everyone. Maybe some people are simply meant to be alone. That makes me sad.

It's one thing to choose to be alone. I get that. There are many times I just want to be alone. But there are other times you want to talk to that person that gets you and loves you anyway. You want to call to that person and have him come out and look at the quail in the yard or to kill the snake in the spare bedroom. You want those arms around you when you've had a bad day or that hand to swat your ass as you walk by. You want that someone to simply love you. Just love you.

There are so many people out there who are married or in relationships and the love is still strong. You can still see it in their eyes. Others have gotten sick and tired of each other. They've forgotten why they fell in love in the first place and all they want is to be single again. And then there are those go from relationship to relationship trying to numb the pain of lost love. It just makes me wonder what it takes to find real love? Why is it so easy for some and so painfully hard for others?

I don't have any answers. I take one day at a time. Always open to new possibilities. Living my life as fully as I can, even if I am doing it by myself. Those of you with real love...cherish it, cultivate it, never take it for granted. What you have is precious and I am truly happy you have found it.

(On a side note...I know this is poorly written, but it needed to be said. I just couldn't seem to write eloquently about this subject. It is short and choppy...and much has been left out because it would take a book to write it all. I should also note that I always try to figure out what my role is in any relationship and whether it is a positive force or a negative one. I always strive for the positive but am thoroughly aware of my faults and weaknesses.)

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