I am really struggling with the fact that I am a creative soul. A creative soul who is getting so fed up with the day to day frustrations of not having enough to get by. Why couldn't God have given me the soul of an accountant or engineer? Something that could actually support me financially?
I am 48 years old. Single. Broke. It never seems to get any better. Quit your job to follow your dream? That's what I did. And I love my new job. I really do. But it isn't enough to pay the bills. Not even close. Should I have stayed in a job that drained me mentally and physically and still didn't pay enough? Should I have pursued a career in a field just because it pays well? My parents would probably say yes.
In the regular classroom I felt like a failure every day despite giving it everything I had. The stress level finally got to be more than I could bear. Those kids needed someone new who could give them what they needed. In the end, I was worn slick. Should I have stayed just because I had a regular income and benefits? Hell no!
So I took a leap of faith. Seven months later, I am sitting here stressing about money all the time and feeling zero creativity. I spend my free time looking for part time jobs where I don't have to be on my feet. You get to a point where you are at the end of your rope. Where do you turn? God? I've done that. Still sitting here. Struggling. It makes me wonder...what did I do wrong? Is this payback for something? Am I just an idiot? My parents would probably say yes.
I have a college degree. I am smart. I am a problem solver. I am creative. Surely there is something that I could do that would actually support me financially. But what? People love my paintings and the things I create, but they don't buy them. I apply for jobs and never hear back. I am a giver. I donate - things, art, clothes, money. I am kind. I am helpful. What am I doing wrong? There has to be an answer. But when you hit closed door after closed door you begin to wonder, "Is this it? Is this what my life is always going to be like?"
I don't know what the answer is. I want to give up, just curl up into a ball and disappear. But I won't. I never give up. I keep believing, day after day, that there really is something to taking a leap of faith. There has to be. There are too many others who took that leap and ended up flying. Maybe I'm still growing my wings. I hope they grow fast. The ground is approaching fast.
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