I am really struggling with the fact that I am a creative soul. A creative soul who is getting so fed up with the day to day frustrations of not having enough to get by. Why couldn't God have given me the soul of an accountant or engineer? Something that could actually support me financially?
I am 48 years old. Single. Broke. It never seems to get any better. Quit your job to follow your dream? That's what I did. And I love my new job. I really do. But it isn't enough to pay the bills. Not even close. Should I have stayed in a job that drained me mentally and physically and still didn't pay enough? Should I have pursued a career in a field just because it pays well? My parents would probably say yes.
In the regular classroom I felt like a failure every day despite giving it everything I had. The stress level finally got to be more than I could bear. Those kids needed someone new who could give them what they needed. In the end, I was worn slick. Should I have stayed just because I had a regular income and benefits? Hell no!
So I took a leap of faith. Seven months later, I am sitting here stressing about money all the time and feeling zero creativity. I spend my free time looking for part time jobs where I don't have to be on my feet. You get to a point where you are at the end of your rope. Where do you turn? God? I've done that. Still sitting here. Struggling. It makes me wonder...what did I do wrong? Is this payback for something? Am I just an idiot? My parents would probably say yes.
I have a college degree. I am smart. I am a problem solver. I am creative. Surely there is something that I could do that would actually support me financially. But what? People love my paintings and the things I create, but they don't buy them. I apply for jobs and never hear back. I am a giver. I donate - things, art, clothes, money. I am kind. I am helpful. What am I doing wrong? There has to be an answer. But when you hit closed door after closed door you begin to wonder, "Is this it? Is this what my life is always going to be like?"
I don't know what the answer is. I want to give up, just curl up into a ball and disappear. But I won't. I never give up. I keep believing, day after day, that there really is something to taking a leap of faith. There has to be. There are too many others who took that leap and ended up flying. Maybe I'm still growing my wings. I hope they grow fast. The ground is approaching fast.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Yesterday I was sitting on my front porch watching Fred, the squirrel, nibbling on a nut. I name all squirrels Fred. Don't ask me why because I don't know. While sitting there, I had the following train of thought. "Oh how cute he is nibbling on his nut. (I had just thrown out some crackers) I wonder if squirrels would eat crackers. Crackers probably aren't very good for squirrels. At least not the kind of crackers I had in my pantry. Maybe some of the healthy crackers. Ooh, I love good crackers with cheese. (Then I remembered something I had seen online about canned cheese). Canned cheese. Gross. No wonder the rest of the world thinks Americans are idiots. Who would come up with canned cheese but Americans? But surely other countries have really crappy food items that aren't healthy? SURELY there isn't a country who has nothing but healthy food available. They have to have some canned/jarred items. Like olives, but those are healthy. Olives. OLIVES! I had a dream about olives last night!"
So basically, seeing Fred the squirrel nibbling on a nut sent me into a train of thought that lead me to olives which reminded me that I had had a dream the night before about olives. How bizarre! I have never dreamed of olives before. Walking into class naked...numerous times. Falling...my whole life. Someone trying to kill me....more times than I like to remember. But olives? Never have I dreamed of olives.
I jumped up, ran into the house and opened up the computer. I Googled dreams about olives. And what I found was very interesting. Dreamhawk.com had the following to say:
Because of the mention in the Bible of olive branch and the fruit of the olive, it has the associations of peace and immortality. Certainly with healing. So olives in a dream may represent the resolution of conflict in life.
The olive also is a symbol of wisdom, and in classical mythology and Renaissance art it was associated with the goddess Minerva.
The tree is an ancient symbol of the holy land, peace, love, and the path of healing and regeneration.
Wearing an olive crown can represent resolution to a conflict, and victory over what you face.. A burden will be lifted off you and you will come out victorious.
Because the oil can be pressed from the olive it has the meaning of healing or ease coming from pressure or trial. You might connect this with like or dislike because of your relationship with olives; or memories or associations with times and places you ate olives.
To dream of olives indicates fulfillment. It also signifies loyal friends and immortality.
An olive branch represents harmony, unity and optimism. You may likewise come to a solution to your disagreements and be relieved of troubles.
The color olive green indicates pure knowledge and Zen. It will be necessary to achieve unity in your environment.
The olive is a symbol of peace and immortality. Whether you dream about an olive tree, and olive leaf or branch or the actual fruit itself, the same meaning is conferred to your dream. This is a sign that you are about to enter into a long-lasting relationship or career that will mutually benefit all the parties involved. You should look forward to starting new partnerships in the near future because all of them will benefit you in some way and bring stability and respect to your name. The olive can also be a very spiritual symbol for some religions.
In my dream, I was happily rolling in the olives. I could see the olive tree nearby. There was an abundance of olives. After reading the dream interpretations, which I am certain are highly scientific, I choose to believe that all my struggles are about to come to an end. After years of frustration and heartache, things are about to get better.
In the end, it really is about perseverance, pushing on with faith no matter the circumstances, knowing that each day you are being the best that you can be and doing everything you can to make the world just a little bit better. Faith will be tested. Troubles will come. Heartache is certain. But from each of these we learn..about others and about ourselves. With that wisdom comes a responsibility...to pass it on. Use your life to teach others, to give others hope. In a world so lost, we all need a little hope that in the end, we can all be rolling in olives.
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