Sunday, April 15, 2012


Over the last few years, I have spent a considerable amount of time thinking about my life.  There have been tears, laughter, confusion, and clarity.  Just when I think I am making progress, I often feel as if I am right back where I started.  Hours have been spent questioning just about, purpose, career.  Yet, in the end, little made sense to me.  I knew that there was a great deal I needed to learn, but I didn't feel as if I was actually getting any answers.

Today, while reading "Women Who Run With the Wolves", by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D., I thought about how so many of my issues have come from not fully embracing my true self.  The last twenty seven years of my life were spent men, by career, by limiting thoughts.  Each day I tried to make and keep everyone else happy, only taking time for myself on rare occasions.  Trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be left me drained.  I looked desperately for meaning and connection, only finding it sporadically.  In return, there has been an ever-present restlessness - that of a caged animal, always pacing, looking for an escape so I could run free and live my life the way I was meant to live it.

I had fallen prey to the control of others.  My life was no longer my own.  It was lived for everyone else.  Slowly, I began to die. Without realizing it, I tried to pacify that yearning for freedom by looking for love, new careers, and reading lots of self-help books...searching outwardly for answers, desperate for knowledge, not understanding fully what was meant when others told me to look within.  But slowly, I have started to do just that.  I have begun to get still and listen.  I am finally taking the time to really acknowledge that which is my truth.

Looking back over the last several years, I can now see that this was a time for me to heal.  It has been difficult, exhausting.  But when the body heals, it takes time.  It taxes the system, requiring you to rest and slow down.  It is the same with the soul.

By honoring the creative spirit inside me and expressing myself through that, I will find that freedom that I so desperately need. I understand now that this has been a time for me to heal, to understand that the cage is now open and that I am strong enough to leave and run wild and free.

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