Saturday, May 21, 2011

Soul Mates

It's been two years.  Two years since we broke up.  Two years since I felt like my heart was being savagely ripped from my chest, but at the same time feeling as if maybe now there could be peace in my life.  How can you love someone so deeply, so passionately, feeling him in every cell of your being and yet be so utterly frustrated and heartbroken at the same time.  And strangely, I think he felt the same way about me.  I know he felt the same way about me.  How can two people be connected at such a primal level and not be able to be together? 

Soul mates.  I knew it from the beginning.  We were soul mates.  Even through all the confusion and frustration, I still knew.  I always knew.  He is imprinted in my memory, my DNA, just as animals have instincts imprinted into them....they just know what is.  He just "is" in me.

After two years, my head should be cleared of thoughts of him, longing for him.  Together for six years, apart for two.  I should be free by now.  But he is everywhere....he is at every intersection, every stroke of a keyboard, every glass of wine I pour.  Every map I look at, he is there, telling me a story of when he was there, or right there with me, experiencing the majesty of a mountain vista.  He pops into my head at the most curious times. 

Why?  It's been two years.  We drove each other crazy.  It clearly wasn't meant to be.  So why?  Why can't I clear my head of thoughts of him?  Why does his soul permeate mine so deeply?  Why does he come to me in my dreams at night? 

I've done everything I know to let go.  I've tried to embrace the fact that he has a new love in his life and has had for two years now.  I've tried to find other men that interest me.  It's pointless.  I'd rather just be alone at this point.  But at the same time, I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. 

Therein lies the confusion.  I've known love like this one time.  One time.  Is this normal?  Does everyone go through years of trying to release the love that binds your heart so tightly that at times you can't breathe, you can't think?  Will I ever be able to let it go and find this kind of love again? 

I know that we can find love with many different people, I do.  And we can find good love.  But can we find love that is this binding?  Growing up I heard the term "heartstrings".  I understood the basic concept, but never understood it fully until this love.  It was this love that brought home deeply the true meaning of all those words of love and heartache.  I understood them all fully and knew that others had experienced what I had, at least to some level. 

But this was different.  We both knew it.  Everyone around us knew it.  Good or bad, it was different from anything I'd ever known or seen.  I couldn't find anyone who could relate to it. 

How do I let go of it?  When will his memory stop possessing my soul?  When will my skin finally forget the feel of his touch?  When will I forget the way he smelled while curled up next to me, arms wrapped around me lovingly?  When will I forget his laugh and goofy dance moves?  When will I forget his kiss?

When?

When?

1 comment:

Leslie said...

I totally can relate to your blog. I get it, it hasn't been two years but it has been long enough. I totally get it!

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