Almost a year and a half ago, I started writing my blog. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
As the months have gone by, I have opened up, little by little, sharing myself one piece at a time. It’s been a scary prospect, letting people in. I’ve always been an open person, but few people actually get the opportunity to see what is really going on in my head.
In the beginning I worried about what people would say. I’m one of those people who sets herself up for being made fun of. Sometimes it is all in good fun, sometimes it is just plain cruel. After 44 years, I’ve finally gotten used to it…almost. So I worried about what would be said behind my back….the quiet whispers about me, “Who does she think she is, writing a blog?”.
But I kept writing, from the heart. I wrote what I felt, what I was angry about, what touched my heart. In the process, I have begun to peel back the layers of who I am and reveal those layers to you, whoever you are, reading this right now. I’ve also learned that I need this outlet. It is very cathartic. I am happiest when I am writing.
All around me are voices telling me to just “Be yourself, just be yourself”. I teach that to my children as well. My daughter, Caroline, lived that to the fullest last night as we walked around the park. We both had on our headphones listening to different music. As we walked, I watched her singing and dancing to the music on her Ipod. Let me tell you, she was d-a-n-c-i-n-g!! It was so much fun watching her just being her goofy, wonderful self. Bradley is learning to let go as well and just be his big-hearted, precious self. It is so good to finally see my children coming into their own and being who they really are.
In fact, now that I think about it, it took all three of us getting away from some very controlling people in our lives to finally feel free enough to be completely and totally ourselves in our day to day lives. It’s so sad how some people who claim to love you can make degrading comments about you so regularly that you start to withdraw and conform to what they want just to avoid the remarks and the hurt. We all did it and in fact I probably encouraged it to an extent, just to keep the peace. How very sad. Those people lost out on relationships with three funny, easy-going, good people who would have done anything for them.
Looking back on those years of outside control, my self-esteem plummeted to an all-time low. I could seem strong and brave on the outside but inside I was dying. I was like a butterfly caged in a dark, cardboard box. Every now and then the lid lifted and I tried to fly, but couldn't yet. I was trapped. Tethered to the box. Over the last few years I have finally found the courage to leave the box for good. As I spread my wings and start to discover the strengths I have, I have grown to really like who I am - goofiness and all. The things that people make fun of me for are just a part of me and that's ok. That relaxed attitude has spread to Brad and Caroline and we are all much more laid back than we've been in years. We are all happier than we've been in years. All it took was just to realize the importance of being ourselves. One of my greatest joys right now is seeing the happiness in my kids....just being themselves.
I'll admit, I'm not everyone's cup of tea. That's fine with me. I'm a little particular about the people I want to spend my time with as well. But one thing I know for sure, I like being me. I'm happiest when I'm true to myself, and no one will ever come between me and myself again. And no, I don't have split personalities.