Monday, October 18, 2010

My Life

When I was younger, daydreaming about the life I would one day lead, it was very, very different from the one I now find myself living. According to my dreams, at this point in my life, I would have been married for probably 20 years, married to my soul-mate, the man who still made me laugh like no other, the man who loved me like no other, the one who touched me like no other. Together we would be raising our children and preparing them for their independent lives. We would travel together, come home to the family, spend time together, laugh, relax..... I would spend my time pursuing my creative talents - art, photography, and writing. Fulfilling myself so that I had plenty to give to others.

Instead, I find myself divorced for ten years or so, thankfully, living with my two children in an apartment. There is little time to pursue my creativity as I am always working or running or collapsing into bed from exhaustion. My finances are limited which inhibits travel, time is limited which inhibits pursuits of passions, and the soul-mate....he's there, just in a different capacity for now.

I listen to my colleagues expressing their exhaustion at work this year. Never before have I heard so many people talk of retirement or finding a different career. Our teachers are spent, totally worn out and we haven't even made it to Fall Break yet. I can't help but wonder how many of them are ready to throw in the towel and perhaps search for something much more fulfilling.

I will admit that teaching wasn't necessarily a passion of mine. I loved kids and loved to teach, so it seemed natural to go into teaching. But over the years, in fact every year, it gets worse. The kids are worse, they pile more onto us, expecting more out of us as teachers and less from the students and parents. The spirit of the teacher is drained. This is not the life I envisioned for myself. I think it is safe to say it is not the life many teachers envisioned for themselves.

So what do I do? I am working two jobs, running around like a crazy woman. I get on here and express myself periodically. And quite frankly, I used to be nervous about expressing myself on here. I went back and forth between being totally honest and censoring my words for fear of who might read them.

So, again, what do I do? I know this much, the writing that I do here is liberating. As with most people, I want to be heard. I want my feelings validated. I don't know the answers but I know that they are there. I know that I have talents that when nurtured will allow me to bloom fully. My job is to make sure that I make time for that nurturing daily. My job is to make sure that I do not overwork myself so much that there is no energy at the end of the day to take care of me. Because if I don't take care of myself, how can I possibly take care of anyone else?

This is a short week at school for me......Fall Break. Thank God for school holidays. It helps us maintain our sanity. There are cooler temperatures and rain in the forecast, which for me is heaven sent. It means opening the windows to breathe in the refreshing scent of rain. It means dark, cloudy skies outside that make it perfect for curling up with a good book and a soft blanket on the sofa. It means a cup of hot tea to warm me as I look out the window, grateful for the time to just be. That is what will help me get through the next two days. The promise of peace, quiet, time to just let go and be.

But for now, I have to check on the pork tenderloin I am cooking for Bunko tonight.

1 comment:

Juleah said...

I am so glad that you made the decision to be totally honest;)

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