Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Karma?

I often wonder if I was a brutal person in a former life and that's why my life has been non-stop drama and stress. You know, paybacks can be hell.

Or maybe, it is simply me. According to many new-age thinkers, I am living the life that I created. I certainly didn't intentionally create this mess. God knows I've tried my hardest over the years to do my best for others, for myself. Yet still I find my life exhausting on a daily basis. It seems as if no matter what I do I never get ahead whether financially, physically, or even creatively.

I've always thought I was a good person. Not perfect, but good. Good to others, always. I'm hard on my students, yes, but that is to get them off their butts and realize their potential and actually do something about it. I get frustrated and fed up with people and their utter self-absorption, but for the most part, I am kind and giving and have for the most part learned to just turn my head with the self-absorbed population. I always let people go in front of me in the grocery store line when they only have a few items. I give to charity constantly. I give my time to others trying to make them feel better. I even try to give some time to myself. I've always been fair in everything I've done, even with my ex-husband when he was trying to totally annihilate me.

Regardless of what I keep hearing from others, I can't help but wonder, what did I do wrong? Are there so many life lessons that I need to learn that God keeps sending me things to face on a daily basis? That which does not kill you makes you stronger????? How freaking strong does God think I need to be? I mean, really? When is it going to get better? Is this what life is about? Because this isn't all that great to tell you the truth.

Don't get me wrong....I have plenty to be grateful for. I have two wonderful children that I adore. I have a full-time, secure job in addition to a second part-time job that pays the bills and keeps us fed, even if it isn't the kind of food I would prefer to feed my children and myself. I have my health, a working vehicle, and a solid, secure roof over my head with all the comforts I need. My best friend is back in my life on a regular basis. I know I am loved by many and have done lots of things to be proud of. I know that I have made a positive difference in many lives. I have many, many things to be grateful for.

But when it comes to day to day life.....is this really what life is intended to be? Running around at breakneck speeds, never having a moment to enjoy the good things in life, not the fine wines and exotic locales necessarily, but just the good things in life, like the laugh of a child, or the touch of a fall breeze on your skin. Are we really supposed to be so exhausted at the end of our work day that we have nothing left to give others, so broke due to medical bills and unexpected expenditures that we can't afford the basics at Wal-Mart?

How do I continue to try to teach my children that doing the right thing pays off when I feel as if I HAVE done the right thing my entire life and it doesn't appear to be paying off for me so far, in fact, it all seems to be going downhill. How do I show my children how to pursue their dreams and do what THEY want in life when I can't seem to do it myself? It's not for lack of wanting or trying, but to the sheer exhaustion and frustration of my current life and not feeling as if I can make any steps in the right direction due to the neverending stress that I face daily.

I believe passionately in following your dreams and living the life YOU want to live. Oh how I wish I had learned this much earlier in life. Although had I had the courage to do what I really wanted 26 years ago, I wouldn't have my two children that I adore today, nor would I have certain people in my life that have enriched it so much. Having said that, I do think that once you reach the point in your life where you realize you need to pull your head out of your ass and actually be the authentic "you", it's a little crappy that you keep getting pummeled with life's little problems such as child custody suits, cancer, bankruptcy, foreclosure, and job stress on top of life's other daily issues.

All of my other friends, co-workers, etc. all have family to lean on. I have family who have been very supportive over the years, but none are here. I have no one here. Ok, that's not entirely true. I have my kids, my best friend, and my co-workers, but no one on a daily basis who is just there. I don't have my family nearby and that's such a blessing to have. For those of you who have them close by and they drive you crazy, think what it would be like if they weren't there. It's hard doing this alone. And honestly, I've been "alone" since I left high school. Even married, I was alone.

I'm tired. Very, very tired. And I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of trying to turn to people for help and all I get is "I don't know what to tell you". I'm tired of all the crap. This isn't right. I know other people don't feel this way on a daily basis. Some do, I know that. But, damn. What's it going to take? I know people out there who are complete assholes and seem to conquer the world.

I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I'm broke. I'm not going to worry about who is reading this or what their interpretation will be. I know the truth. I know my truth. That's all that matters.

Well, this was a "fun" blog, now wasn't it!! :) I needed to vent.

4 comments:

Juleah said...

Well you get an A+ for being transparent, open, and honest! And I think that is awesome and the first step to any type of progress. As I read your post it sounded very familiar. Not my own story, because you know I seriously don't have a thing to worry about, life has come so easy to me and I don't know why but I am very grateful. But I have heard many others who have come to church because they were ready to check out. They were so exhausted, tired and at the end of their rope that they didn't know what else to do but go to church (because that's what you do in the bible belt, right?). And over and over I have seen God be so faithful to those who sought Him. And let me make clear that their problems usually did not go away but they had such an incredible peace and joy through it all. It's amazing how we try to depend on ourselves when God is right there waiting for us break at His feet. Kelli, I truly believe that God is waiting and ready for you to give all of this to Him. Let Him be your comforter, provider, and partner, I promise He is faithful. I love you and you are a great person.....I hope so badly that you can find that peace and joy that you need right now.

turquoisemoon said...

Kelli, you and I have much in common. I found your blog by doing a few searches for new friends with similar interests. ha ha ha...you and I are the only two people that have listed "The Collector's Guide to Art in New Mexico". Anyway...I understand how you feel. I've been there. The biggest thing that has helped me has been meditation. As you know, meditation is not, and does not, have anything to do with anyone's faith. The benefits of meditation are innumerable and documented. ...and, there's a huge difference between prayer and meditation. If you get a chance and feel like it, do alittle research to check out the benefits. Various hospitals even have posted reports. I understand that you're very busy, but the rule is, If you don't have ten minutes to meditate, then you probably need twenty....
xoxox
Lynn

turquoisemoon said...

P.S. Did you know that The Collector's Guide to Art in New Mexico has a web page? Whenever I get to missing NM or the art, I go there. I'm from the midwest(Kansas), and find much of the art here is so conservative both in the colors used and in the subject matter.

Kelli Thomas said...

Juleah and Lynn, thank you both for your comments. I think you both had something valuable to say. Thanks again!

Kelli

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