Sunday, February 14, 2010

On Love and Being Single on Valentine's Day

As I begin to write this, it is just after 5:00pm on Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day....a day of love and romance.

Valentine's Day.....a day I always wanted to be full of love and romance.

Valentine's Day....a day that has never really been full of love and least not for me.

I'm a hopeless romantic, I admit it, completely and fully. I want the love and romance, not only on Valentine's Day, but regularly in my life. I want to be with someone who actually wants to be with me.....not 24/7, that would drive me insane! I need my time, too. But someone who, at the end of the day, wants to call me and say "Hey, how was your day?". Someone who actually wants to take me away for the weekend. Someone who laughs at my stupid jokes. Someone who will tell me he loves me.....without me having to always say it first or when he does respond he doesn't mumble it or says nothing at all.

Romance doesn't have to mean flowers and fact, those things aren't necessarily what I find romantic. What I find romantic is when he looks at you and you know just by how he looks at you that he loves you deeply. It's when he touches your hand and gently rubs his thumb over it. It's when he holds you so tight that you know he never wants to let you go. That is romantic.

This holiday, along with most other holidays, does nothing but make me want to cringe. As I look back, the last good Valentine's Day I remember was probably in junior high when my dad used to send me a rose every year. This year I didn't even hear from him.

My memories of Valentine's Days past are not pleasant ones. I'll never forget the year that my boyfriend at the time took another woman and her two daughters to dinner. I sort of invited myself along. Should have been an "aha" moment for me, but it wasn't. There were times that were nice, I suppose, but I just remember wanting for at least one day of the year to hear from that one person I loved that he loved me in return. Because it didn't come the rest of the year. What is sad is that I know he loved me....he just couldn't let himself say it or feel it. And at the end, when it was all said and done and I finally realized that he actually loved me deeply, it was too late. He had made a choice to be with someone else and found himself "confused" over the whole thing. He couldn't decide between the two of us, so I made the decision for him......I left for good.

I'm thinking to myself right now that maybe I shouldn't be writing this, but the other part of me knows I need to. I haven't the foggiest idea who, if anyone, is actually reading this blog, but I do know that I need to write it. There are things I need desperately to let go of so new things can come into my life.

It makes me wonder, and it has for years, if there is something wrong with me. So many people tell me how they think I'm great....I'm so funny.....I'm so full of life, etc. Yet it seems that I don't attract men that think that as well, or if they do, then I'm not attracted to them. Why is that? I hate crying....just sayin.....

So...for 2010, I have made a committment to not not search for love. Even though I am telling myself that, I still want love. I still want someone that wants to share his life with me. In my last relationship, I told the man I was with that I wanted someone to share my life with....he told me that maybe I was with the wrong person!! Again....should have been an aha moment, but I was clueless. I was in love. God, the stupidity of love.

Regardless, I still believe in it. Love. I do, very much. I know that when I am ready, it will come to me. As my dear friend once said....."You'll know him when you see him". I'm trusting that.....(you know who you are!)

I don't care what anyone can have real, true love that is incredibly deep. You can be so very connected to another human being that all the cliches you've heard your whole life finally make sense. I have had that ..... once. That gives me faith that I can have it again,.

I appreciate those of you who speak of the other kinds of love on Valentine's Day....the love of a child or a friend, but we all know that what most of us want is that love from that person with whom we connect on a level like no other. That love that brings you to greater heights as a human being.

I've grown so very tired of trying to be strong and basically not being true to what I feel deep down inside. I want very much to find someone who loves me as much as I love him and will actually let me know that and not run away and hide from it all.

I know I am not perfect, but I also think I have a lot to offer. As my son put it, I make one hell of a salad! Another friend says I'm the artist she aspires to be. Certain students say I'm the funniest person they've been around. I think I've got a few good qualities.

My passion for life translates to every area in my life.....that can be good or bad, but if you focus on the good it can bring to you, it makes the bad a little less pronounced.

I love very least in my limited experience I did. But that tells me I can do it and will do it very deeply. I know there is someone out there for me.....I just haven't met him yet. Or, maybe I have, and our timing wasn't right when we met. It doesn't matter. It will happen for me......that I know for sure.

So, Happy Valentine's Day......ugh.

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