Monday, February 22, 2010

Being Authentic

It's Monday night.....8:46pm and I'm exhausted. I woke up exhausted.

I was exhausted all last week and all weekend. I'm only 43. I'm too young to be this exhausted all the time.

As I type the word "exhausted" for the fifth time it doesn't look know how that write or say a word so many times that it doesn't sound or look right. Well, it doesn't feel right either.

Life is not meant to be lived this way. Life is meant to be lived in a full and abundant manner....joyfully, happily, peacefully.....

When I am not teaching, I am so full of life....exhuberant, happy, giddy, full of hope and promise, loving life, living life! I am a completely different person.....I AM the person I want to be.

Last night a friend asked me if I had been writing. I told him that although there was a great deal on my mind last week, I hadn't written since Sunday. Part of the reason was that I was worried about potential readers who might misinterpret my words or use them against me. I worried that if I complained about my job or last relationship someone would read the words and .... what? I don't really know what I was worried that "they" would do. It doesn't even matter because basically, I was self-censoring. That's not an option.

Tonight while in the shower, the words were swirling through my head like an F4 tornado in a furious rage. It was as if the words were debris being cast out of the tornado, yet being confined and restrained within my skull instead of being released onto an unknown trajectory and ultimately being allowed to fall where they may.

That's when it became very clear to me that if I'm going to really write and be authentic and true to myself I cannot worry about what anyone else is going to think about what I write or what the consequences might be. We all have our own interpretations of events. Anything I write here will be my interpretation and how I felt at that particular time. If I am going to do this in a way that is beneficial to me and possibly someone else, I have to be honest, completely honest. It doesn't mean that my perceptions or interpretations are correct or even sane, but they are mine and that is something that cannot be taken away from me.

For many years I tried to be what I thought I should be, what everyone else wanted me to be. With every passing day I am finding out who I really am....the good, the bad, and the ugly. But strangely enough, I like who I am. I have found out that I am a quirky, passionate, somewhat controlling when I want to be, lover of words and beauty. I crave deep connection and intense laughter. I love that I feel deeply and cry like an idiot at romantic movies. Although not religious in a traditional sense, I am very spiritual, but on my terms, no one else's. I don't fit into any mold - religious or spiritual - and I like it that way because I place my own meaning and faith into what I believe. And what I believe, I believe in very strongly.

I like that I am a complete goofball always trying to get people to laugh and see the beauty and romance of life even if my words fall on deaf ears and cold hearts. I love that I never give up even when I say I'm going to... that I'm done, I'm through.....I always come back and try again. I love that I have complete faith that someday, someday, I will find someone who will embrace all the weirdness that is me and fall completely and totally in love .... with me. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

It's forty five minutes later.....I'm finding it hard to believe that it takes me this long to write sometimes. Forty five minutes, really? For just a few paragraphs? It doesn't matter. What matters is that the words are falling where they may, even if only a few at a time.

More words will come tomorrow, because tomorrow I will listen when they are banging viciously on the inside of my skull begging to be released. The peace I feel for the first time today is enough to encourage me to stop tomorrow and write. Just write. Honestly. Without regard for who might, and that's a big MIGHT, possibly read this.

So for tonight.....I'm taking this exhausted body and going to bed.

Sweet dreams......


Juleah said...

I can totally relate to much you have said. I have always sought the approval of others, even if it means sacrificing who I truly am. It has gotten better the last couple years. I have learned to open up and be very transparent. I go through times were I really will focus on getting my voice out there because I am desperate for others to hear that "I don't give a darn what you people think", like its their fault that I am messed up in trying so hard to please them. But really it comes down to my own issues and me being truly confident with who I am, who God created me to be. But I always find myself back in the same pattern of the "people pleaser", its a vicious cycle that seems never ending. I am glad you are writing, I really enjoy your entries.

Kelli Thomas said...

Thank you Juleah....I appreciate your thoughts. It feels really good to write.

I enjoy reading your posts as well!

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