Monday, January 11, 2010

A Place for My Voice to be Heard

I am discovering that I have so much to say....that I have a great need to be heard. Even if that venue is simply a blog emitting into the cyberspace universe my innermost feelings, not knowing if anyone will actually "hear" my words, the need is somewhat fulfilled by writing......knowing that I have put it out there.......knowing that someone might read it, might understand.

Today has been an interesting one. I have experienced a range of emotions from frustration to pure love to heartbreak. An emotional rollercoaster to say the least, but one that didn't break me, didn't cause me to go into meltdown mode which was how I would have responded in the past. The emotions merely caused me to slow down and think about each of them and what was causing each of them.

The frustration was because of the many strides I have made in my classroom only to feel as if I have accomplished nothing and my work and dedication have fallen on deaf ears......apathetic souls. I truly felt at the end of the day, "Why bother?" It's exhausting. How am I possibly contributing in any positive fashion?

The love was from hearing that I am, indeed, a "most important person" in someone's life. I was completely unaware of this and was utterly taken aback when I read those precious words telling me that I mattered to this person. Who knew? Who knew that I actually mattered so much to someone that I thought didn't really care all that much about me.

The heartbreak.....that might be a strong term, but it was maybe a realization that a dream I have harbored for many years might be just that.....a dream and that maybe it would never materialize, no matter how much I wanted it to. Maybe, sometimes, the dreams we have are not good for us and so that is why they never materialize. Maybe, sometimes, the information you receive is incomplete, altered, not fully the truth. Maybe, sometimes, you need to stop and listen to your heart, trust it.

What bothers me the most is that internal voice that speaks so clearly to me. It emphatically tells me what is an absolute truth and what is not. I trust it completely, I do. But just because I trust what the voice tells me, doesn't mean that other people have had that realization in their own lives that echo my truth. That leads to further frustration. How can you trust your internal truths so deeply yet they seem to conflict with your reality?

I think that you have to trust your instinct, listen to that voice. You simply cannot control other people or their thoughts or feelings. It is up to them to decide what it is they want in life. Just because you have a complete faith in the truth of a particular matter, doesn't mean others will feel the same. That you have no control over.....you can only control yourself and your thoughts and actions.

As I embark on this new year with "commitment" as my primary focus, one of the things I will commit to is trusting my instinct, hearing and listening to my inner truths, knowing emphatically that what I believe is the truth, at least my truth. The truth always comes out eventually, always..... I want to be sure that I live my life honestly, authentically, and truthfully. Anything less than that is merely a waste of time.

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