Saturday, January 2, 2010


It's a new year, a new decade....perfect for new beginnings.

For years now I have been "trying" to change my life. I've read the books, listened to the cds, journaled about change, talked about change, thought about change, cried about change....but didn't actually change all that much. Daily I found myself confused, angry, disappointed, frustrated and I usually found plenty of people to blame it all on. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong.

Many people in my life reminded me about the enormous amount of time and money I had spent on my self-help books and commented that surely I had learned a few things from them. I had, I really had. I could quote Tony Robbins, The Secret, Mike name it. I had read and/or listened to them all over and over and over. But I hadn't really internalized it all. I certainly wasn't practicing what they were preaching.

A good friend quoted Yoda to me over and over...."Do or do not, there is no try". I was always complaining about how hard I "try" and nothing ever changes, my life was so stressful, blah, blah, blah..... I could talk the talk, but I wasn't walking the walk.

Over the last few weeks, maybe even months, I've come to realize that what was missing was my commitment to change. I let everything and everyone else take priority. I let it all get in the way so I could have an excuse for not doing what I knew I needed to do. I'm too busy, I'm too tired, I'm too stressed....I've had a lot of stress in my life....why does this keep happening to me.

Tyler Perry once said something about how your life will truly change once you take responsibility for getting yourself where you are. Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot happen in my life, but I am finally getting very honest with myself about what role I played in making these things happen or making them way worse than they ever should have been. I am really beginning to see how my decisions have impacted me in ways I could have never imagined.

I can sit here all day and dream about the woman I want to be, I can talk about it, write about it, but I won't become her until.... I do. And no one can do that but me. I can't do that without commitment.

So as I embark on this new year, this new decade, I do so with commitment. Commitment to myself and everything I want for my life. Commitment to look before I leap, think before I act or open my mouth, commitment to live authentically and embrace who I am, commitment to extreme self-care, commitment to truth.

The last several years of my life have been filled with heartache and pain, but also with love and laughter. I am where I am because I needed to learn....a lot. The journey is far from over, but I look forward to it now with great anticipation and excitement.

I am grateful, so very grateful, to all those people who have stood by me and encouraged me through all this. I am so grateful that they stuck by me even when I was acting like a complete ass. Their love and support mean so much. It gave me the courage to go on and to look very deeply at myself and see what I was doing to cause the heartache and pain.

I've done things in the past that I'm not proud of and said things I wish I could take back. I've given people the wrong impression about me out of fear. I've gone against my instinct. I've let others influence me. Now, I am slowing down, taking a moment to really think before I act, and making a commitment to live my life authentically and fully.

Thank you to all of you who have helped me on this journey.....hold on, because things are getting ready to really take off now!!

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